Over the past week, locked down at home, I’ve gotten to observe myself. I noticed that I was always rushing through my work and never seemed to have enough time. I manage to complete my tasks but I was rushing through it. This pattern was true across – professional work, while learning Python, blogging, or even read the new. This pattern had two major effects – one, the quality of my work suffered, if I’d given myself more time to do my tasks I could’ve come with better analysis or improved my learning outcomes or deeper thoughts; two, the act of constantly rushing caused mental stress which led to a feeling of a burn out.
When I thought through this, I realized I was not giving enough time for my high priority tasks. Instead, I was expending valuable time on non value adding activities like frequently thumbing through social media, idling or feeling unmotivated or battling self-doubt. Here’s the remedy: In the coming week, I’m going to deliberately give myself more time for my priority tasks. I’m also going to ensure that I put in consistent focus throughout the allocated time.
I’m reminded of a gym analogy. The principles for work-out effectiveness seem to apply to mental tasks too. It was one of the work-out guide videos on YouTube. The trainer advised that for maximum work-out effectiveness, each ‘rep‘ be long and consistent rather than rushing through it. He also elaborated on the underlying logic. The effectiveness of a single ‘rep’ is a not only a function of ‘effort‘ but also of ‘time‘. When we rush through a rep, though the effort exerted at a single point in time is higher the time elapsed shortens, pulling down the effectiveness. I find this very similar to me rushing through mental tasks, the ensuing mental stress and the lesser work quality.
I’ve spent the major productive part my day punching, modifying, deleting and re-punching codes. I completed the first module on my Python course and I took up a tiny personal project to keep my interest going. What’s more interesting that movies! I found a reliable Netflix data set on Kaggle. Even for a simply analysis, I typed long-winded codes where I’m sure fewer lines could’ve sufficed. My code wouldn’t work as expected until debugged it ten times or more. On more than an occasion, I doubted if it was all really worth it – the basic analysis I was doing now could be done in an Excel, with much less effort. But I tried to reason. This was just the beginning. I was trying to build familiarity with a coding language, and as I improve my skills I’d be able to perform more complex tasks. In addition, the dopamine rush I experience every time I get a code to work makes it worthwhile.
I’ve noticed, in general, that often times my mind sets me up for failure. It works on a logic from an absurd premise. A point in case here is that I expected grand results from something I’ve been learning for only seven days. When I don’t see those results I get disheartened and give up on the project entirely. I have let this absurd thought process ruin more than a fair share of my projects. Well, not this time.
In the present times of anxiety and curtailed freedoms, films can be therapeutic. I’ve put down a little list of three films that are in a way connected to the lock down. They may lighten our spirit, offer us hope and even inspire some weekend cooking.
The film’s protagonist, Victor Navorski, can teach us a lot about living through a lock down. Victor, a middle-aged man travelling from a little eastern European country, lands in the US only to be “locked down” in the John. F. Kennedy International Airport by the airport authorities. Due to a quirk in the immigration system, Victor can neither enter New York nor take a flight back home, but is forced to spend the next few months staying at the airport. Victor doesn’t grudge his unfortunate position nor does he give up, he simply goes about his life at the airport and quite joyfully so!
Of the films I’ve watched, this film encapsulates the mood of a lock down more than any other. Set during World War II, amidst the German occupation of Guernsey (an island located in the English Channel), a group of friends form a literary society that helps them survive through the military occupation. The occupation entailed restriction in movement, food rationing, meeting of no more than three people. And yet this little group of friends discover comfort in literature and companionship. The film might inspire you to start your own book club now, a virtual one may be. Watch the film to find out how they ended up with a strange name for their society!
The lock down has enabled some of us to appreciate the importance of the simple and the little things in life. Little Forest is a soothing meditative film on the life of the young Ichiko in a small Japanese village. Ichiko lives a solitary life in tune with the seasons of nature – farming, cooking and eating, and meeting a friend or two in the village. The kitchen scenes occupy major screen time in the film and it invokes in us an appreciation of fresh ingredients and cooking in general.
There is also a Part II titled Little Forest: Winter/Spring (2015), which is a must watch if you liked the first one. Unfortunately, both the films are not available on Netflix or Prime. Also, make sure to look for the right version of the film. There was also a recent Korean version based with the same title and setting, which I have not watched yet.
Now is an interesting time to be alive, if one’s employment, financials and health are reasonably secure. I have been meaning to write ever since the 21 day lock down was implemented in India. Only I hadn’t. And then I read The Quarantine Diaries this morning: “As the coronavirus continues to spread and confine people largely to their homes, many are filling pages with their experiences of living through a pandemic. Their diaries are told in words and pictures: pantry inventories, window views, questions about the future, concerns about the present.” These are interesting times and I had to keep a write.
It’s been exactly a week since the lock down was implemented in India and this is what I’ve been up to in the past week:
I have been reading news, research and articles on COVID-19. Nothing too much but just enough to have an idea. I was pleasantly surprised that the models the researchers simulated and the news articles quoted were an application of what I had learnt in a systems thinking course back in b-school. A course I had thoroughly enjoyed. In The World After Corona Virus, Yuval Noah Harari hypothesizes on the new normal post the pandemic – particularly, normalization of state surveillance, social distancing etc. This led me to ponder on more scenarios – would the lock down finally bring in more equal division of labor at home, would WFH become more common, would some parents realize the boons of home-schooling and many more.
As much it is a time of distress and uncertainty, the pandemic and the subsequent lock down has brought forth a series of unintended consequences – bird songs, clean air, empty public spaces being reclaimed by animals, high levels of creativity, Houseparty, some have picked up skills in cooking and baking. I’ve learned to make ‘a nice cup of ginger chai’ – garnished with cardamom.
With lots of time in hand and with few things to do or places to get to, some of us may indeed come out of this with a greater appreciation of the little things in life.
I had nascent plans for travel around May this year. Alas, we are quite literally reduced to travelling around our own rooms in the coming months. While there is definite philosophical wisdom in travelling around our rooms, we do have avenues to quench our thirst for travel during the pandemic. Reif Larson gives us a masterclass on How to See the World When You’re Stuck at Home. It’s Google Street View. Reif writes about his recent travel with his son “On my computer screen, we pretended to land at the Charleston airport. I provided the narration. We rented our car, which smelled like Twizzlers and a damp pack of cigarettes. On our way out of the airport, Max spotted this T.S.A. Agent dangerously reading and walking by the side of the road. (I like to think she was reading Albert Camus.)” I’ve done arm chair travel through books and films, but I’m yet to undertake a proper journey through Google Street View.
Some evenings are just too fine that we want to take a stroll. Only we can’t now. But I just discovered (courtesy: Reif) that there are walking vlogs on YouTube. It has proved therapeutic for me.
I figured this was a good time to add to my professional skill set (null set at present). I started learning Python from Dataquest. I’m really glad I stumbled upon Dataquest. I was sold after reading their ‘how to learn‘ article. For someone with minimal background in programming, I’m quite satisfied with the progress I’ve made over the last few days. If you’ve been meaning to take-up Python, I’d strongly suggest Dataquest, their basic courses are free. You can buy me a desert after the lock down.
Of course I’ve been reading. Though much lesser than what I would’ve liked to. I’ve been reading ‘Team of Rivals’ by Doris Kearns Goodwin for over two months now, completed only a third of the 700 pages and we’re just getting to the part when Lincoln wins the Republican nomination for Presidential elections in 1860. I’ve also been reading John Green’s ‘Turtles All the Way Down.’ I’ve been watching House of Cards a little too much.
That brings an end to my first post during the COVID-19 pandemic. It was painfully long as I had to cover whole week. The future daily installments shall be shorter.
My relationship with Michelle Obama’s Becoming began much before I actually read her book. On a January night, a decade ago in 2009, when I was in high school, I watched the swearing in of Barack Obama on television along with my parents in the drawing hall of my home, about 8500 miles away from Washington. My knowledge of racial history was limited to blacks being discriminated against and a speech of Martin Luther King Jr. Yet I sensed something special, I felt good about what was happening. What happened in Capitol Hill that night (day in the US) meant something to me. I went to bed that night, inspired but not knowing what about exactly. I did not know then that that night will mean more to me later.
A decade later, my understanding of the US had evolved through books, films, news, and my interest. I had read Barack Obama’s both books and watched numerous interviews and speeches of his. He had become a role model of sorts for me, though at a personal level.
I already had a notion of Michelle from what I had read in Barack’s books. Wrote Obama in his book, The Audacity of Hope:
Most people who meet my wife quickly conclude that she is remarkable. They are right about this—she is smart, funny, and thoroughly charming..Often, after hearing her speak at some function or working with her on a project, people will approach me and say something to the effect of “You know I think the world of you, Barack, but your wife…wow!” I nod, knowing that if I ever had to run against her for public office, she would beat me without much difficulty.
This is the context in which I picked up Michelle’s book. With a curiosity to know more about Michelle, the Obamas, their values, Barack’s mind, among others.
Getting to Know Michelle Robinson
The book is thoughtfully partitioned into three parts – Becoming Me, Becoming Us, and Becoming More. In the first part, Michelle dissects her growing up years in the second-floor apartment in the South Shore Neighborhood of Chicago, striving at her school, arranging her first kiss, teenage loneliness, her family, listening to jazz, a child’s observation of the world around her, getting into Princeton, conversations with her girlfriends, and questioning herself over a hundred times, ‘Am I good enough?‘
Within the first few pages, I was in Michelle’s Southside apartment and could hear the tones of her Aunt’s piano. More importantly, in both her story and her writing it is easy to sense the authenticity, her attitude, and her ‘straight-forward no-nonsense’ manner of being. She herself admits to being an in-your-face sort of person.
We understand Michelle’s drive to succeed and prove herself she asks for a do-over on a reading exercise in kindergarten. It is no surprise that she got into Princeton and then into Harvard Law School. While we are treated to her days at Princeton, her days at Harvard Law School is condensed to hundred words.
Her narrative about her father, a man with an immense positive outlook who is also affected by multiple sclerosis, is warm and poignant. Her father’s story is a leitmotif that keeps returning throughout the book. It reaches a peak one night when Michelle is with her father at his hospital bed:
“He would not recover. He was going to miss the whole rest of my life. I sat in a chair next to his bed and watched him laboring to breathe. When I put my hand in his, he gave it a comforting squeeze. We looked at each other silently…What was left was only one truth. We were reaching the end.”
Knowing Barack Better
“Barack was serious without being self-serious.”
Michelle’s book furthered my understanding of Obama. While one gets to know about Barack from his books, we may not get a holistic objective picture. When a person is writing about oneself he tends to take certain aspects of himself for granted and does not throw enough light on it. Another’s perspective helps to complete the picture of a person. When that other perspective comes from someone who has been the closest to Barack, that makes it even more insightful.
Michelle characterizes Barack as someone who is too cerebral for most people to put up with, was more at home with the unruliness of the world, was dialed into the day-to-day demands of his life bet at the same time his thoughts roamed a much wider plane like income inequality, feels comfortable when he over-commits himself, and wanted to be effective far more than he wanted to be rich. I’ve often wondered how one could be bookish, thoughtful, phenomenal idealism, write better than most bestselling writers, and yet wanted to be in politics and even succeeded at it. Well, that can only be a person who had the characteristics that Michelle describes.
And to the pride of all the book lovers, looks like Barack is a book guy himself. Writes Michelle, “He’d also sold his idea for a non-fiction book about race and identity to a New York publisher, which for someone who worshiped books as he did felt like an enormous and humbling boon.”
Michelle vs Barack
As we read, it is evident that Barack and Michelle are people with different personalities and formational experiences. Their career trajectory is an easy giveaway. Michelle liked the approval of people, her choice of going to Princeton and then to law school was driven by it. Barack meanwhile was more rooted in his idealism, he works at a financial research firm for a bit to save some money and then takes a gamble as he plunges himself into community organizing before he applied for law school. Barack was the ever-optimistic risk taker.
Barack loved solitude and could lock himself in a cabin for weeks, while Michelle was more social and needed people around her. She traces the divergent personalities to the years growing up. She writes, “Barack could pour his heart out through a pen. He’d been raised on letters..from his mom in Indonesia. I was brought up on Sunday dinners at Southside’s, where you sometimes had to shout to be heard.”
The difference in their psychological make-up is reflected in their attitudes towards marriage and relationships. Michelle writes, “He saw marriage as the loving alignment of two people who could lead parallel lives but without forgoing any independent dreams or ambitions. For me, marriage was more like a full-on merger, a reconfiguring of two lives into one, with the well-being of the family taking precedence over any one agenda or goal.”
Despite their differences, what kept them united and made them adapt to each other was probably the shared values and the aspirations of being good humans, doing meaningful work, raising good kids, and living a worthwhile life.
Having read the books of both Barack and Michelle, I’d confess that for an ordinary soul Michelle is more relatable. While Barack is a great role model, he just seems a tad sorted out for many of us to identify with. He makes unconventional career choices, works grassroots, has an unwavering vision, sustains deep optimism, and knows where he is going – not a common man. Michelle is the one who has the doubts about herself, seeks approval and social validation, she takes safe career options and then remorses her career that didn’t suit who she was. Many of us could identify with her.
On Finding a Meaningful Career
Just as I said in the previous lines, many us would navigate towards safe career options early in our lives, and quite reasonably so. But down the line, after securing some amount of financial stability and confidence in our aspirations, we might want to look for work that is more meaningful to us. This is what Michelle does and describes how she went about it. This is such a demonstrated practical advice that I’m going to quote in full:
“I felt certain that I had something more to offer to the world. It was time to make a move. Still unsure of where I hope to land, I typed up letters of introduction and sent them to people all over the city of Chicago…Over the course of the spring and summer of 1991, I put myself in front of anyone I thought might be able to give me some advice. The point was less to find a new job than to widen my understanding of what was possible and how others had gone about it. I was realizing that the next phase of my journey would not simply unfold on its own, that my fancy academic degrees weren’t automatically lead me to fulfilling work. Finding a career as opposed to a job wouldn’t just come from perusing the contact pages of an alumni directory; it required deeper thought and effort… And so, again and again, I laid out my professional dilemma for the people I met, quizzing them on what they did and who they knew. I asked earnest questions about what kind of work might be available to a lawyer who didn’t, in fact, want to practice law.”
On Relationship Lessons
Michelle honestly reflects on the challenges of her relationship with Barack. There are so many lessons that could be drawn. First, one has to be open about ones needs to the other. Barack, by his own admission, was not much of a phone guy and he preferred letter writing. But it wouldn’t work for Michelle. Writes Michelle, “I wasn’t going to relegate our love to the creeping pace of the postal service. I informed Barack that if our relationship was going to work, he’d better get comfortable with the phone.”
I found her take on fights among couples particularly insightful:
“Like any newish couple, we were learning how to fight…And for better or worse, I tend to yell when I’m angry..Barack, meanwhile, tends to remain cool and rational, his words coming in an eloquent (and therefore irritating) cascade…Over time, we have figured out how to express and overcome our irritations and occasional rage. When we fight now, it’s far less dramatic, often more efficient, and always with our love for each other, no matter how strained, still in sight.”
And do not shy to opt for couples counseling if need be to save the relationship. Even the Obamas have done it. Michelle says that couples counseling actually worked.
“I couldn’t help but feel a little bit lost by comparison. His sense of purpose seemed like an unwitting challenge to my own.”
The best kind of relationship is one which enables each other towards the path of flourishing. It is when one learns from the other and becomes aware of what is missing in oneself. Writes Michelle, “He steered himself with a certainty I found astounding…For me, coexisting with Barack’s strong sense of purpose – sleeping in the same bed with it, sitting at the breakfast table with it – was something to which I had to adjust, not because he flaunted it, exactly, but because it was so alive.”
But becoming aware of what one wants to be is not enough. One needs immense courage to make that leap. Left to one own self, this never happens, and I can personally vouch for it. You need someone who understands you and can reassure you and nudge you.
“Don’t worry, Barack was saying. You can do this. We’ll figure it out.“
She writes, “Barack was a constant and lonely support and probably the push she needed to change careers and do what she really cared about. “His was the lone voice telling me to just go for it, to erase the worries and go toward whatever I thought would make me happy.”
“I was too busy resenting Barack for managing to fit workouts into his schedule, for example, to even begin figuring out how to exercise regularly myself.”
Michelle lays herself open and vulnerable as she confesses on her resentment towards Barack, and how eventually she manages to work herself out of it. She writes, “I began to see that there were ways I could be happier and that they didn’t necessarily need to come from Brack’s quitting politics in order to take some nine-to-six foundation job. It was possible that I was more in charge of my happiness that I was allowing myself to be.”
What stands out is that she shifts perspective, grows out of the frustrations, and puts in new systems to overcome them. She is not grudging it, she is not ignoring it, she takes qualitative steps. It might seem very simple and domestic, but the importance cannot be more emphasized. It could break marriages and families. It happens all the time all around us.
“Barack and I got married on a sunny October Saturday in 1992..”
It was a pleasant discovery for me that the Obamas married eight days before I was to come into this world – in a city in Southern India thousands of miles away from the Trinity United Church of Christ on the South Side, where they got married.
On Parenting Well
Parenting is one of the most complex tasks in the world. The tales in the book Michelle’s philosophy on raising her girls is a treasure trove of wisdom. Barack had talked about in his book on the importance of fatherhood and him being there for his girls. But Michelle talks more practical stuff that we could all gain from. She writes:
“We had kids, and kids need room to speak and grow…Barack and I would sit at dinner, hearing tales from the Sidwell playground or listening to the details of Malia’s research project on endangered animals, feeling as if these were the most important things in the world. Because they were. They deserved to be.”
I thought it was parenting gold when she talks about the mentoring programs she ran for girls at the White House:
“My wish for them was the same one I had for Sasha and Malia – that in learning to feel comfortable at the White House, they’d go on to feel comfortable and confident in any room, sitting at any table, raising their voices inside any group.”
There are even more lessons to be drawn from Michelle’s parents, especially her mother. She writes, “My parents talked to us like adults. They didn’t lecture, but rather indulged every question we asked, no matter how juvenile. They never hurried a discussion for the sake of convenience.” A few pages later she eulogizes her mother’s parental mindset, “My mother maintained the sort of parental mindset that I now recognize as brilliant and nearly impossible to emulate – a kind of unflappable Zen neutrality.”
On Learning from Women
I hadn’t read many biographies on women. Reading ‘Becoming’ helped me relate to the much more complex of life in the modern world – professional aspirations, motherhood, spouse’s career, household, and sustaining a marriage. We see Michelle trial through the time when she didn’t have Barack to support her at home, being busy as he was in Illinois Legislature or later, in the US Senate. She is candid about her frustrations on Barrack on occasions.
Yet she managed it all. She charted a career that she found meaningful even as she fights guilt being away from her girls, held the household and raised the girls even as Barack was away, gave all the support she could to Barack’s campaign, and managed to sustain their relationship even if she had to pull Barack to couple’s counseling.
I realized that women were doing much more. Their days were packed, multi-tasking was a given, and hardly found any ‘me’ time. I figured probably there was more one could learn from women – on how they managed to hold their lives together despite several pressures and stakeholders.
In all this, she acknowledges the role sisterhood has played in her life:
A habit that has sustained me for life, keeping a close and high-spirited council of girlfriends – safe harbor of female wisdom.
“I knew we’d help one another out and we’d all be okay,” she writes.
Reflecting on Life
Michelle’s outlook and worldview are life-affirming. She describes her growing up years when she sees families with better cars and friends with fancy toys or who bought their clothes at the mall than sewing them – quite a few of us would recognize this from our own experience, and it does influence us as kids. She writes:
“As a kid, you learn to measure long before you understand the size or value of anything. Eventually, if you’re lucky, you learn that you’re been measuring all wrong.”
A page later, she becomes a philosopher and delivers the divine commandment:
“Life was better, always, when we could measure the warmth.”
There are a hundred interesting details in the book – her faux pas with the British Queen, the daily night briefing books at the White House, the rush of campaigning, and the visits to military hospitals. But the best thing about a book of this kind – one where the author traces the journey of her life and connects her dots – is that it helps the reader in tracing their own journey, and sometimes throws up an insight or two about our own selves.
The book plays the role of a mentor. I can’t think of a book (that I’ve read) that fits this mentor role than Michelle Obama’s Becoming. Among the many reasons to read books, I particularly appreciate those books that become mentors to ourselves, the people in the book become voices in my head and companions that’ll be there and provide wisdom as I go through life. Michelle Obama’s Becoming is one such book. Reading the book felt like having a long conversation deep into the night with a close friend.
If you’re in your teens read it to have a good model to follow, if you’re lost in your twenties read it to find your own ‘becoming’, if you’re in your thirties, read it to tackle your mid-life crisis and relationship strains, if you’re over forty-five with a satisfied life, gift this book to your children or the young people around you.
Moving out of a home could be a profound experience.
I’m moving out of the house I’ve lived in for the last two months. As I took my ‘ceremonial last walk’ around the place, and indefinitely procrastinated on packing my stuff, the following thoughts appeared on my mind.
Moving out of a Home and Nearing End of Life
When you’ve got only a few more moments at a place, your perception of the place heightens. You start to notice and appreciate little things. Many of these, you may notice for the first time. And what appeared mundane earlier — the little girl in the park, the next door grandmother— appear very special now.
As you leave the place, it seems more beautiful than you thought it was.
Is it not much like life? Don’t you live more deliberately and with more awareness, when you finally realize that you’ve got only a limited time on this planet?
Being Ungrateful to the Shoe Shelf
Quite strangely, as I opened the door of my shoe shelf this morning, I was clouded by emotions. That morning, I had developed some feelings for this little space that held my shoes.
Many a morning I’ve pulled open this same door to take my shoes out. But never did I stay on a little longer to appreciate this space. I never appreciated it for holding my shoes safely.
This feeling spread to many other little spaces I accessed frequently at my home — the placed where I stored my kettle and coffee, the space where I had my meal and did my reading.
Until today I never spared a thought to these little spaces that made my life better. How ungrateful have I been!
Leaving a Little Bit of Myself Back
The room or home itself has a life of its own. It is going to have new people occupying its spaces. Could there be an emotional link between me, the person who will occupy this space after me, and the person who had occupied this space before me?
In the Indian film Dhobi Ghat, Arun (Aamir Khan) finds a left-behind videotape of the previous tenant in the house that he just moved into. He starts to identify with the lady in the video, who was also the previous occupier of the house, and begins to imagine the house through the eyes of the lady.
Should we leave back something for the people who will occupy these spaces after us? A book, or a strange item that will intrigue the occupant. A welcome note hidden somewhere or a recommendation on something cool to do in the city.
You Never Leave as you Came
During the time I’ve been here, I’ve added new thoughts to myself. I’ve gained new perspectives. To start anything new is difficult. It is the nurturing that I experienced in this place that gave me push to start these new things, despite inertia. Here, at this place, I’ve started at least three new things that add value to my life.
In this home, I’ve grown.
Now, when I’m leaving, I’m different from the one who entered it. I’m slightly a better version of myself. And this home has helped me become that. I leave this place with a clearer vision and purpose.
Slices of life-affirming experiences during the breaking of fast at one of India’s largest mosques
The Date Seller and the Girl in a Hijab
As she heard the call from the mosque, the young girl — in a loose blue salwar and a black hijab, with a sweet joy on her face that’d belie that the owner of the face had been on fast for almost twenty-seven hours — wished to buy a few dates to break her fast. The old date seller with a dervish-like demeanor refused her money. It was a beautiful moment of humanity, when the girl, embarrassed and blushing, tried to return all but one date, while the date seller insisted that she keep it.
Faith, Family, Food
The courtyard plotted with large colorful mats. Women and men rested on their knees, with prayers on their lips and piety on their faces. Little boys ran through the human maze, the young mother tended to her baby, and the teen girls clicked selfies. Families perched around platters of watermelons, mangoes and bananas, chickpea salads, batter-fried vegetables, meat dishes, and bottles of water. The fragrance of attar, the aroma of well-cooked meat, and the sweet smell of summer fruits co-mingled under the canopy of faith and the joy of companionship.
Under the Ramzan Moon
Under the Ramzan moon, the emotions and the expressions of every man, woman, child were at their purest. Those were among the most sincere smiles, banters, and actions I’ve witnessed.
A Thousand Prayers
I did not pray. But amidst the thousand prayers around me, I experienced the bliss and benevolence of the spiritually charged moment.
Strangely, I felt at home among a thousand strangers.
Epilogue: Religion, Civilization, and Human Experience
It is here, among these thousands of people — congregated to break the fast, commune and partake in a meal — that I find my greatest faith in human civilization.
Isn’t this a representative moment of civilization? Isn’t this among the most life-affirming moments? Isn’t this among the grandest ideas that we humans have ever known? Wouldn’t it be a loss to our human experience, if one day we are to lose these traditions without a sufficient replacement?
With these thoughts on religious traditions and experience, I walked towards the northern gate of the mosque, profoundly grateful for the higher experience while still trying to make sense of it all.